Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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