dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
