I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
