I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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