Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Sober January is a disaster.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
