I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
