I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
