when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
