apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
