Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
