is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
