his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Randomize
