No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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