My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
