Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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