Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
