I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
no, he came in my armpit
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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