I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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