I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
