It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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