i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
