i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Operation Purity has been aborted
a search helicopter?!
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
