Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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