Christians are straight up FREAKS
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
