i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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