Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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