the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
