Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
