I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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