that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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