I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You've changed since you got that strap on
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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