Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
