When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Randomize
