Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
