i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
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