FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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