I want to make a zoo with you.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
