Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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