I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
and you said cock pushups were impossible
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
