My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
