Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
