Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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