Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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