Just took my morning after pill in the library
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
