Will you blow on my dice?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
