Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
