New low: just hacked my moms facebook
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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