He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize
