Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
