I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
