i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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